FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Dietest Coke
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Good morning y’all ☀️
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.