Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.