I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.