[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
You Might Also Like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now