“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Sooo many times…..
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
every. time.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.