Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
He-man has a Masters degree
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.