a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Shower sex be like:
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?