“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.