Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.