This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.