Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: