If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
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“i am a sweet baby”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.