I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
You Might Also Like
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions