“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”