the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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no one likes gloating
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Every house has this drawer
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?