“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You Might Also Like
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Worlds greatest photobomb
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again