Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.