Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.