I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
The old gods are rising again.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?