Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.