Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food