Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™