I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
#damn
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”