Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.