I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT