@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
🤣✨#caturday
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
some things should go without saying
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.