Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
let’s discuss
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Festive toon…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”