Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?