“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
My blood type is b hungry.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??