Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.