Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.