There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Why is everyone getting married at me
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay