Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I have questions??
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”