I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!