Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos