For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Oh no
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever