[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You Might Also Like
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.