Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me too
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon