Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.