Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.