I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
This will never not be funny 😭
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
We decided to have money instead of children.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.