[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started