If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
How animals would run if they were human
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*