“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
#dalle2
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.