Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong