My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
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My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*