Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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“I wouldn’t.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*