Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests