I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”