Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The Birdles
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.